I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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