She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
organizing the empties. That sober.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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