He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
