We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
