Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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