I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
