The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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