I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
