you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
