The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
