I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
