don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
