then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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