I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
