You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
