Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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