I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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