I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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