I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
