you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
