saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
