my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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