you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
