The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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