i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
