He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize