i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
