so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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