and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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