So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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