I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
