I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at about main and main street
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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