Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
