Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
