dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
