Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
