Porn is love you can see.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize