the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
