um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Life without a bra equals bliss.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
