we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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