I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
