you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
