After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
