i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
