I'm going to rape someone's good day.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
