she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
