I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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