My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
