My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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