plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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