I heard we made out
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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