my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
