I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize