y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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