Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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