Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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