as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
